Sunday night, 2 days after our 8 month anniversary, Ryan and I broke up. Nothing terrible happened to cause this. There were no irreconcilable differences. Neither of us was unhappy or dissatisfied. We simply felt it wasn’t the right thing for us to take the next step (marriage, probably) in our relationship at this time.
I can say without a doubt that this has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure. Suddenly and unexpectedly, I was being stared in the face by the end of the source of the most happiness I’ve ever felt in my life. He has become my best friend, and we had become so accustomed to spending every spare moment together, sharing every detail of what was going on in our lives, every meal, every thought, and every secret. Now all of that was no longer appropriate, and it became apparent that these activities would have to end. And slowly but surely, so came the realization that the intimate bond we’d created would inevitably fade. Everywhere I went and everything I looked at was a constant reminder of things we had done together, and if we hadn’t done something there together, it was a reminder of things I had planned to do with him that I now would never get to. The most random things would cause me to be overcome with sadness and spontaneously burst into tears. You’d think he had died, the way I was mourning.
I still miss him. I miss spooning. I miss wrestling and being tossed around. I miss our quirky interactions and inside jokes. I miss cooking for him at every opportunity. I miss having a designated companion for watching useless movies and tv shows. I miss holding his hand. I miss hanging out with him while he did his homework. I miss giving him foot/calf/back/shoulder/neck/ear/head rubs. I miss groping his biceps and nuzzling my face between his massive pecs. I miss watching the skin crinkle around his eyes when he smiled and falling in love with him all over again.
Honestly I could go on and on for pages about how much I miss him and how sad it makes me that this isn’t mine anymore. But it won’t change the situation, and it won’t help me move forward. And it wouldn’t be fair, because as sucky as it feels right now, this isn’t bad. I’m thankful for it. I’ve seen God’s hand in my life every day since, comforting me and providing me countless tender mercies to help me get through each day. My faith has increased so much, and I’ve pretty much been forced to rely on my Heavenly Father, because He’s the only one that’s gonna get me through it in one piece. I know this is going to help me grow and make me strong. I know it’s going to prepare me for whoever I’m going to end up with. And I know it’s going to open doors to something better, however difficult it may be for me to imagine at the moment how it could get any better than that. I’m grateful for the experience of the whole thing. When I got home Sunday night, and it became obvious to my roommates that I was not OK, they cuddled me and stroked me and spoke kind things to me. I’m grateful for the experience so that when they are facing something similar, I can return the favor by knowing exactly what I can do or say to make them feel better.
I used to think girls were so dumb when I would hear them say they’re “not ready” to date again after a breakup. I didn’t really understand what was so hard about just sucking it up and moving on. But besides the whole not-being-able-to-be-with-your-best-friend-anymore thing, it’s all pretty terrifying. It’s scary to make yourself vulnerable once you know you can hurt this bad. Besides that, you want to hold onto something that you know isn’t right for you, and you have no way of knowing when you’ll have that security again. I feel like I’m barely afloat, clinging to a piece of ice ( a piece of ice that I’m really, really emotionally attached to), and it’s melting rapidly, and I don’t know how long I’m gonna have to swim before I’ll find land. Now that I know what it feels like to be part of a partnership, I want to be married so badly, I’ll be honest. Just a taste of what it’s like was enough for me to realize that that is what I’ve wanted my entire life. For so long I didn’t realize that being physical with people you have no love for or commitment to is crippling more than satisfying. And to those who spend their time seeking out opportunities for hookups, or one-night stands, or the infamous NCMO, I can say with an absolute surety that as fun as those might seem, they are nothing but a waste. They are NOTHING compared to feeling safe. They are nothing compared to having one person you KNOW you can depend on to have your best interest at heart, because their happiness is contingent upon yours. Making out with someone you don’t even know or care if you see again is NOTHING compared to knowing you are loved. It’s nothing compared to knowing that someone needs you, and that someone’s life is better for having you in it. It’s nothing compared with having someone who understands you, who you can trust not to take the things you say the wrong way. It’s having someone who sees what you can be and gives you the drive to become that. I wouldn’t trade having experienced that for anything, even if knowing how great it is makes it incredibly painful to be without it for awhile.
I used to think being in love was some magical, fairy tale feeling, or dramatic and thrilling like in the movies. It’s not either of those things. It’s a compilation of regular, ordinary, everyday things spent with someone who makes you feel like you can do something extraordinary. There aren’t sparks or fireworks, and it’s not something you feel like you have to prove. It’s sharing and making meager adjustments to your life to make it comfortable for someone else to be a part of, and dedicating your every effort to being a better person so that you can make their life even more pleasant. And when it all comes down to it, it’s not the grandiose gestures or the dinners or the gifts I remember the most fondly. It’s the quiet nights at home, the making food, the rides to school and walking to classes together, the quiet conversations, the games, and especially the laughter. These are memories I’ll cherish for the rest of my existence.
All that being said, here’s to Ryan: the most incredible man I’ve ever had the privilege of dating, and one of the most amazing, admirable, inspiring people I have ever met. Here’s to the man I learned to love with all the capacity I’m aware of possessing. Here’s to my best friend, and the happiest 8 months I’ve ever had.
