Can I teach you something about girls really fast? I promise it's useful.
I had a conversation with my friend Britney about what girls want in a significant other. Do I have your attention? What girls want. The big mystery. Here's what she said that really resonated with me: "What guys don't realize is that they could have almost any girl they want if they would just love her."
Now this statement in itself can be interpreted in a lot of ways, but I think it really stuck with me because it reminded me of something I read in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (Sweet book, btw. Read that). Steven Covey told of how he counseled a man who was saying he wanted to leave his wife because the love was gone. Covey's advice was to "love her." This confused the man because he had just explained that the love wasn't there anymore. This is what Covey said:
"My friend, love is a verb. Love--the feeling--is a fruit of love, the verb. So love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?"
So you don't have to immediately FEEL love for her, as in, you don't have to feel like you're in love with her. But if you SHOW love to her, the feelings will come. What an interesting concept.
That has sat with me, and the chord was struck again in my mind as I was listening to a talk about charity in my ward some weeks ago. The speaker shared the following quote from Dieter F. Uchtdorf's talk,
Your Wonderful Journey Home:
"Have you ever wondered what language we all spoke when we lived in the presence of God? I have a strong suspicion that it was German, though I suppose no one knows for sure. But I do know that in our premortal life we learned firsthand, from the Father of our spirits, a universal language--one that has the power to overcome emotional, physical and spiritual barriers. That language is the pure love of Jesus Christ. It is the most powerful language in the world. The love of Christ is not a pretend love. It is not a greeting-card love. It is not the kind of love that is praised in popular music and movies. This love brings about a real change of character. It can penetrate hatred and dissolve envy. It can heal resentment and quench fires of bitterness. It can work miracles."
So you have to SHOW love, but not just any kind of love. There are different kinds of love. No, let me correct myself. There is one kind of true love, and many counterfeits for it. A man who shows charity--the pure love of Christ-- to a woman through his actions will set himself apart from other men.
Have you ever wondered why girls fall for bad boys even though they treat them terribly? A big part of it, I think, is because they are hoping the boy will love them enough to change for them. They see these movies where bad boys change their ways in the name of love and the girl saves him and they live happily ever after. But they don't realize that this portrayal of love is artificial. It is a sorry copycat of Christlike love, a love that can supersede all of a person's imperfections and help them blossom into who they're meant to be. Many girls fail to recognize the difference between movie love and real love, pure love, charity. They don't realize that this is what they want.
I believe that to an extent, the appeal also comes from a woman's vanity and pride. She wants to be powerful enough or beautiful enough or lovable enough to change someone. She might feel that she would be validated or her self worth would be confirmed if she could be a positive influence in this boy's life and change him for the better. But this is also flawed thinking, because none of us can change each other. Only Christ can do that. We can only try to follow His example and submit ourselves to be instruments in the Lord's hands to help those around us.
Oftentimes girls think they want this electric romance--this passionate fireworks show with sparks flying everywhere that's supposed to be worth any fighting or mistreatment or hardship that may come--because that's what we usually see in movies. Because its the easiest to portray, and it's thrilling, and it looks like the best thing ever. It's used in ENTERTAINMENT because it's more entertaining than charity, because charity is so simple. But underneath all the perfect lighting and background music, these cinematic romances are, in reality, very empty. The truth is, that's not really what we want either. Again, we often mistake romance for a pure and Christlike love--we mistake kisses and sweet words and gestures that ultimately hold no promise at all for service and sacrifice that demonstrate a man's devotion, not only to his woman, but to his God. A love between a man and a woman is fallible and susceptible to failure. But a love between God and one of His children is perfect and complete. A relationship founded upon God will always succeed. Two people who have made obedience to God their number one priority will treat each other right.
I guess I can't guarantee that loving a girl will make her love you. Like I said, we're easily deceived by the media into thinking we want things that really won't do anything for us, and it can be hard to break through all that brainwashing, depending on the girl's emotional maturity. But here are the facts, whether we girls realize it ourselves or not:
What we want, on a basic fundamental level, is to be loved as a daughter of God. We want someone to see our tenderness and our vulnerability, our individual worth and our grand eternal potential, and to do all he can to live up to that by working to meet his own grand potential. He can only do that by living righteously, which by definition requires him to be obedient, to treat his eternal companion with selflessness, kindness and respect, and to take personal responsibility for her happiness.
Anyway, that's the answer. Love. Pure, Christlike love. Charity.
Plain and simple.
