"to love life...

to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you've held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes,

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again.”

― Ellen Bass

This was my Facebook status for a second but then I realized it made me sound like I'm super depressed. I'm totally not depressed. I am fortunate to be able to say that I have never known the heavy grief described here.

However I do identify with this quote lately. There are just people and things in my life that I have loved so dearly, and could only assume that they were gonna stay with me forever, but despite my best efforts, it's shaping up that that is not the case.

 

There are times when life feels vibrant, exciting and so full of promise. Those are the times when it's easy to love life, to smile at everyone, to jump around and be silly, to feel energetic and happy.
And then there are times when life feels frankly lackluster. There are times when it is disappointing and you feel like you've been delt a sucky hand and things have been taken from you or you're not getting what you deserve. There are times when sad things happen and it's beyond your control and no matter how hard you try you can't put it all back together. That's when life feels exhausting. It's not very enjoyable. And being happy gets hard.

 

The reason I like this quote so much is because it personifies life. It likens life to a significant other who has wronged you or hasnt held up their end of the bargain in keeping the love alive. And you have to make the conscious decision to love them (it) anyway.

 

That's when I think about our decision to love people. I hear all the time that you can't help who you fall in love with. To an extent, I believe that's true. Sometimes you just click with people, moreso than others, and there is simply a greater potential for romance there. But then I think of another quote I really like.

 

"I think you could fall in love with anyone if you saw the parts of them that no one else gets to see. Like if you followed them around invisibly for a day and you saw them crying in their bed at night or singing to themselves as they make a sandwich or even just walking along the street and even if they were really weird and had no friends at school, I think after seeing them at their most vulnerable you wouldn’t be able to help falling in love with them.”

 

Maybe that's a little extreme, but I definitely believe we could fall in love with a lot more people than we realize, if only we took the time to notice and aqcuaint ourselves with the intimate details of their character.

 

To the same token, just because you do fall in love with someone, that doesn't mean it's set in stone forever. You have to maintain it. You have to keep working at it. Like life, it's not always going to be easy. It's not always going to give you what you want and make you feel constantly happy. There will be sadness. There will be disappointment. Sometimes things will be unfair, exhausting, and just plain hard. But to continue to love is a decision you make. That's why you have to make sure it's going to be worth it before you commit. And once you do, stick to it.

You have to keep trying as hard as you can to find the good things, the things worth loving, even if they're not as obvious as they once were. There is always a redeeming factor, there is always something still to love. In people, and in life.
What I'm hoping to find is that the longer I practice, the better I'll get at it, and the easier it will be to remain happy when sad things happen. I'll get there. Pinkie promise.